Password hashing for the enlightened
Our unique algorithm taps into the power of Mother Nature to keep your passwords under lock and key. Through our own independent testing, we have repeatedly found it to be unbreakable and this is to be expected; the force of nature itself is not one to be reckoned with.
Unlike most hashing algorithms that use modern, industrial mathematics to protect passwords with brute force (the way of the Devil), we use natural mathematics to secure your password in a way that's at one with the natural frequency of planet Earth (B-flat). In essence, when you hash with our algorithm, your password beats in the natural rhythm of the world, harmonizing with the powers that be.
In the beginning, we take your insecure, frail password and pepper it with the natural seasoning of the Fibonacci sequence. Randomly embedding sections of this natural strengthener and performance enhancer into your password using the background noise of the universe, the voice of Mother Nature herself, to ensure the best placement.
To further strengthen your password we multiply it by the average velocity of nearby hexagons, the shape bees chose for their honeycomb, a shape so divine even the circle quakes in its presence. If you were to look at your password at this stage it would appear before you as a fractal, the way of the fern, king of camouflage.
As any real cryptographer will know, the best way to protect is to confuse. So, to confuse the enemy, we next concentricate your password using data from millions of trees' rings. This gives your password the powers of the tree: strength, unity, courage and wisdom. The tree is known to live for many years. Infused with the power of the tree, your password will inherit its lifespan and durability.
Finally, using energy taken directly from the sun, the source of all things heavenly and innocent, we divide your password by the natural log of the golden ratio. This final step gives your password the highest level of protection from all evil. It is a commonly known fact in the natural mathematics community that the natural log, the root of all natural mathematics, holds within it some great, mysterious power. However, nobody knew how to unlock the full potential of this beast until now...
We hired world-class scientists to figure out the answer to this conundrum, but we never expected the conclusion they came to. The solution lay within the sunflower. To be precise, it was the seeds. After analysing the seeds of the sunflower, our boffins realised that the ratio in which they were arranged, the golden ratio, was the key to unlocking the full, godly power of the natural log.
With our hashing algorithm, you are not just hashing a password, you're handing the keys over to God Himself. He will defend your password from the work of the Devil. This is why our algorithm makes your password:
Disclaimer: This page is entirely comedic, the quote from The Verge is not legitimate.